the last crash

Today’s Lesson (early edition):   Time eventually crashes every airship, regardless of whether or not the crew knows how to operate its controls.

My friend Kiki’s father is dying.  Perhaps weeks away from his own death.  He’s an older, tallish man who raised a strong family, but is now weakened by his failing body–overworked heart making up for failing kidneys.  On dialysis, he has months to live; without it, not long.  Kiki’s siblings are converging in this area this weekend so the father can estate plan with the three of them.  It is a gruesome, real story about a man at the end of his life.  I am truly saddened for my friend Kiki, whose father is on the verge of saying “Good Bye”.

But we all have our ways out of this place.  Some know their route; others enjoy the ride with blissful ignorance.  Either way, his end is imminent.  Near the end of our conversation, I gave her a compliment for being there for her father near the end of his days. I suppose it’s common sense that we would be there for the passing of our parents, hopefully to comfort them into their exit door.  We should expect such reciprocal treatment from our children and loved ones.

We gave each other a painful look when we both realized that neither of us would probably have such generous care.  She’s married, in her 50s, with no children.  Men die first in marriages; it’s almost a statistical given.  I am not as far down the path as she is, but have sparse family and no offspring to speak of.  I’m not middle aged, but I’m of the age where a midlife crisis is plausible.  Even possible.  The reality is when we make our individual exists, at the end of our long and winding road, the odds of us departing without loving, caring, lifers around us to pillow our fall is pretty small.

I write these words and they automatically seem whiny.  “Poor me for not having planned better”, I hear myself complain in my head. I compare myself to the success of my friends, old and new, and wonder how I got plopped on this runway, in this cabin with this crew. The words do seem a touch defeated and hopeless.  we’re not dead, and there is time for us to make sure there is at very least a sweet looking stewardess for the final ride. But how does one not lament the empty plane, the rows of silent seats and a cargo hold devoid of comforting memories?  Life was simpler–not less difficult, just more direct–in the era of Kiki’s father.  The path to “The Dream” was not as complicated and convoluted, with competition attacking your stability from every global angle.  Roles, though resulting in far less freedom, were far more defined and clear.  Every time I got used to a persona or familial role, circumstances changed my course.

Or I got too drunk to understand the map.  And so did the pilot.

Or maybe I’m just making excuses for my failures, or the streak of longitudinal choices that didn’t go my way.  Maybe I’m saving all my luck up for that final clearance, for one final shot with the stewardess before my departure.

The best thing about life on the main runway is that you don’t have to contemplate heavy questions like these. The people who are lucky enough to have the common path don’t have to ride through the turbulence with a window seat at 2am and no one else around you. Yes, the truth is that everyone dies alone, and odds are good that we won’t be able to determine where we are and who will be around us when we pass on.  We all return to the same dark window we original flew through.  But if at the last moment, which comes swiftly for all of us, there is no one to keep us company, was the trip worth it at all?

Time eventually crashes every airship, regardless of whether or not the crew knows how to operate its controls.  Today, I’m thinking that I haven’t prepared well for the last crash.

gaining it back

Two months ago I weighed 147 pounds.  I now weigh close to 167.  Twenty pounds isn’t that dramatic of a swing, except when you’re living in a state next to skeletal. Over the Fourth of July holiday, I vacationed in Vegas.  While memorable for many reasons that aren’t positive, I turned a strange corner there:  I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how gaunt I had become.  Through a commitment to vegetarianism to get my weight down and address other health concerns, I forgot what it meant to eat.  I had backed myself into a nutritional comfort corner where nothing was enjoyable.  And, unlike previous phases in my life where health conditions whittled me away without my consent, I was fully responsible for the bony visage I was becoming.  It’s what I thought people wanted me to be; specifically, what girls wanted me to be.

My epiphany came from wandering the streets alone in Vegas.  No one should feel alone in Vegas, not naturally.  And when I saw the withered reflection of myself in that dark mirror, the truth was undeniable.

This path wasn’t working.

So I changed.  In a matters of days, I brought back my old ways, went from vegetarian to omnivore.  My body didn’t fight back.  Overall, my energy levels increased in the coming weeks.  I gained weight fast in the places where I needed it.  The skeletal frame I had become filled itself back out, wrapped tightly in the dead flesh of other creatures.

I went from living at peace with the natural world… to consuming it.

the divided continents

Today’s Lesson (early edition):   Your reality and fantasy are in constant conflict, and cannot co-exist in any material space.  Build bridges in your imagination, and unite the divided continents.

But what happens when you’ve lost your ability to dream.  I slip into sleep at the end of the day, exhausted and lost to the world of the living.  I never remember my dreams, except if they are especially noteworthy and inexplicably striking.  I usually wake up tired, my sleep restless and distressed, wiring disconnected from years of broken attempts at a night’s peace.  Blame it on my tortured body, and the whipmaster within, leaving me without the normal and common circles within which to heal and recharge.

I slip into oblivion.  Perhaps that pact was made so long ago when darkness dawned–by day I’d belong to me; at night, something or someone else.

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